I am on social media.
I was E! news.
I am aware of body shaming. slut shaming. women shaming.
I thought I was pretty much above doing that, or being part of it. I am sure I have been body shamed but it wasn't to my face.
I don't slut shame. If you need it, and you feel safe and comfortable, get it! People need to be getting happier in between the sheets more often. Think of the joy it creates, the healthy happy chemicals it releases. If you are getting busy, you are too busy to spread the shame. ;)
This week I decided I am a shamer. I am a miscarriage shamer. I am a loss shamer
Last week at work I had a miscarriage. At work. During work. It continued the entire day. I wasn't able to get in to see my OB until the next day and what was done was already done.
I was sad. I was kind of mad. We haven't been preventing, but after having one of my tubes removed due to an ectopic pregnancy, we haven't been trying either. I needed an emotional break. That makes four miscarriages, (I include my ectopic pregnancy in that statement) and one healthy babe.
I am grateful for the healthy babe. He makes me happy. He creates joy and the release of healthy happy chemicals as well. ;)
I had a friend try to comfort me by telling me of a mutual friend who has been through it and that maybe I should turn to her for comfort and support.
Our mutual friend, Jane, has four beautiful children. I had no idea she had suffered a miscarriage. I asked when and was told it was between number three and number four. I was sad Jane had to experience the loss. It is not easy for anyone. I never called Jane to talk. Her youngest is six years old. It was years ago that she experience the pain of a loss like that because she wasn't the one to mention it, I didn't want to bring up something she possibly didn't want to discuss.
A few days later I was irritated. I became irrationally upset that my friend thought I should speak to Jane in the first place. I have been through four losses. FOUR. I have only had the wonderful possibility and miracle of having one child. ONE.
Why would Jane ever understand how I feel or where I am coming from? Why does she get to be as sad or upset as I am? She has four kids!
My sister has also suffered a miscarriage. She had one (maybe two now that I think about it) between her fourth and fifth kid. She has five children. Five beautiful happy healthy children. I have ONE.
It was then I realized I am a loss shamer. For some reason, in that moment, I decided I was much more justified in being sad, depressed, lonely, ashamed, angry, embarrassed, than any of my other friends who have suffered only one loss and have multiple children.
A day or two later I realized how selfish and silly that was. A loss is a loss. One, four, seven. It doesn't matter. That pain is pain. There are others who have suffered more than I have.
Why did I feel so entitled to all the pain and anger and sadness in the world?
Because it hurts that badly.
Because until you are ready to be comforted, there is no comfort.
Because until you are ready to move forward and accept there is no baby, no sibling, no son or daughter, it is all consuming.
Because my heart is heavy and it hurts. Often.
I have had one successful pregnancy and he is the most beautiful, healthy, happy boy. He is almost three years old and he tries my patience on the regular. He refuses to potty train. He is so passionate about his life. He loves all things Disney and Blaze and the Monster Trucks. He loves playing in water and being a dare devil.
All the sadness has been dulled and slightly erased by looking at that little face. By holding his little hand and giving him goodnight kisses.
I have suffered losses and I have had sadness. My sadness is no greater than any others who have been touched by the same loss. For those of you have felt that sadness and pain, I am sorry. I cry with you and for you, and I have a hug for you anytime you are ready or a listening ear if you need to talk.
I can't say I won't have repeat emotions and be a loss shamer in the future, but I will try to keep it to myself until the feeling has past and I once again realize we have all felt the same.
Keep your head high and your heart open.
#miscarriage #loss #boymom #iui #ivf #ectopicpregnancy #ectopic #infertility #support #love #infertilityawareness
