loss shaming

I am on social media.
I was E! news.
I am aware of body shaming. slut shaming. women shaming.
I thought I was pretty much above doing that, or being part of it. I am sure I have been body shamed but it wasn't to my face.
I don't slut shame. If you need it, and you feel safe and comfortable, get it! People need to be getting happier in between the sheets more often. Think of the joy it creates, the healthy happy chemicals it releases. If you are getting busy, you are too busy to spread the shame. ;)

This week I decided I am a shamer. I am a miscarriage shamer. I am a loss shamer
Last week at work I had a miscarriage. At work. During work. It continued the entire day. I wasn't able to get in to see my OB until the next day and what was done was already done.
I was sad. I was kind of mad. We haven't been preventing, but after having one of my tubes removed due to an ectopic pregnancy, we haven't been trying either. I needed an emotional break. That makes four miscarriages, (I include my ectopic pregnancy in that statement) and one healthy babe.
I am grateful for the healthy babe. He makes me happy. He creates joy and the release of healthy happy chemicals as well. ;)

I had a friend try to comfort me by telling me of a mutual friend who has been through it and that maybe I should turn to her for comfort and support.
Our mutual friend, Jane, has four beautiful children. I had no idea she had suffered a miscarriage. I asked when and was told it was between number three and number four. I was sad Jane had to experience the loss. It is not easy for anyone. I never called Jane to talk. Her youngest is six years old. It was years ago that she experience the pain of a loss like that because she wasn't the one to mention it, I didn't want to bring up something she possibly didn't want to discuss.

A few days later I was irritated. I became irrationally upset that my friend thought I should speak to Jane in the first place. I have been through four losses. FOUR. I have only had the wonderful possibility and miracle of having one child. ONE.
Why would Jane ever understand how I feel or where I am coming from? Why does she get to be as sad or upset as I am? She has four kids!
My sister has also suffered a miscarriage. She had one (maybe two now that I think about it) between her fourth and fifth kid. She has five children. Five beautiful happy healthy children. I have ONE.

It was then I realized I am a loss shamer. For some reason, in that moment, I decided I was much more justified in being sad, depressed, lonely, ashamed, angry, embarrassed, than any of my other friends who have suffered only one loss and have multiple children.

A day or two later I realized how selfish and silly that was. A loss is a loss. One, four, seven. It doesn't matter. That pain is pain. There are others who have suffered more than I have.

Why did I feel so entitled to all the pain and anger and sadness in the world?
Because it hurts that badly.
Because until you are ready to be comforted, there is no comfort.
Because until you are ready to move forward and accept there is no baby, no sibling, no son or daughter, it is all consuming.
Because my heart is heavy and it hurts. Often.

I have had one successful pregnancy and he is the most beautiful, healthy, happy boy. He is almost three years old and he tries my patience on the regular. He refuses to potty train. He is so passionate about his life. He loves all things Disney and Blaze and the Monster Trucks. He loves playing in water and being a dare devil.
All the sadness has been dulled and slightly erased by looking at that little face. By holding his little hand and giving him goodnight kisses.

I have suffered losses and I have had sadness. My sadness is no greater than any others who have been touched by the same loss. For those of you have felt that sadness and pain, I am sorry. I cry with you and for you, and I have a hug for you anytime you are ready or a listening ear if you need to talk.
I can't say I won't have repeat emotions and be a loss shamer in the future, but I will try to keep it to myself until the feeling has past and I once again realize we have all felt the same.
Keep your head high and your heart open.
#miscarriage #loss #boymom #iui #ivf #ectopicpregnancy #ectopic #infertility #support #love #infertilityawareness

Heartbreak and disappointment

How do you handle heartbreak and disappointment?

Recently we have had some hurt feelings by a close family member. A much younger family member, I feel I should point out. She has always seemed so put together and wiser than her years. 

Until recently. 

Not only was the trust my husband and I had in her broken, but she has repeated the offense multiple times. My husband and I have always been very close to her mother also. As her mother, she has stood by her side, whether wrong or right. 

I respect that. 

I would like to think I would do the same. Having a toddler hasn't presented the opportunity to have to be steadfast as a parent, but I hope to be like that. Nonetheless, lines have been crossed on both sides and feelings are raw. 

I received a novel of a text this morning from her mother and it felt like it would have been a better conversation had in person. At the very least had on the phone. Rather than calling, she text. Rather than calling, I replied, and thus our conversation was misunderstood and spiraled. I spent the afternoon crying and worrying what my husbands reaction would be to the drama I helped create. 

As always, he calmed me down, took my side, and helped me move past the situation. 

My heart is still broken. I am still disappointed. I don't know where to put those emotions.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, as they say. I can't compartmentalize my feelings quickly or easily. 

So as my sweet and supportive husband sleeps next to me, I lay awake. Stewing, stressing, and saddened by the events that have taken place. All I can do now is wait for an opportunity to ask forgiveness for my part in the misunderstanding and hope this makes us closer. 

I am always up for an adventure, but learning about yourself, growing personally, is one of the harder adventures to go on. 

Once upon a blog

I used to be a regular blogger. I loved being able to express myself to a community of friends, family, and occasionally strangers. As life would have it, I felt I was too busy to continue and deleted my blog. Business, and the invention of Instagram, made it hard to sit down and let my online community know what I was up to. I have recently felt a need to have a release and decided to start blogging again, if only for some sanity. My online diary, if you will.

I have been a wife for almost seven years now. We have been together for ten. That seems like a long time when I say it out loud, but it hasn't felt like long at all. We certainly have our ups and downs, but I have always felt like we make a good team, and continue to become stronger with each hurdle.
I have been a mom to a beautiful little boy for almost three years. It took us years of trying and heart break to get him here. I am probably considered a 'helicopter mom' and though I try daily to refrain from 'ruining' him with that mentality, it is hard to shake.
I always wanted to be a mom to two. Last year, all of 2015, we tried everything we could to make that dream come true. After more heart break and many expensive procedures, we found out we were pregnant right after Thanksgiving. In my gut I knew something was wrong. I was panicked, frantic, and just had a pit in my stomach. Seven ultrasounds later we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy.

My heart sank and my eyes watered. The worst part; during our last ultrasound they showed us a healthy heartbeating 8 week pregnancy. I will never get that heartbeat out of my head. I wasn't allowed to leave the Dr's office. I wasn't even given time to think, process, or take another breath before I was rushed to the OR and the tube was removed. The Dr wasn't sure how I was walking around considering how far along I was. When it was removed, he came to the waiting room and told my husband that we were probably the luckiest people in the hospital that day.

That is a funny choice of words in my mind. We had just lost the last opportunity to have a second child and he considered us lucky.

In hindsight, we were very lucky! I had been monitored for almost two weeks while we waited and prayed and hoped that all the signs were wrong, and we would have a healthy pregnancy ahead of us. Our Dr knew what was going on and stressed the importance of paying attention to my body and not hesitating to go to the emergency room should I feel even a twinge of pain. During our last ultrasound we were in an office that was on the hospital grounds and I was just steps away from the OR. We were able to go into an emergency situation in a calm and controlled manner and I came out alive and healthy and able to go home with my wonderful husband and my handsome son.
Not all with tubal pregnancies are that lucky. Some are such an emergency that they end up scarred from one end to the other and have to take weeks to recover. Some don't have the opportunity to recover at all. I went in the OR on a Thursday morning and I was back to work on Monday. My physical recovery was a breeze. My emotional recovery is still a work in progress.

Some days, I am completely fine with my situation and I realize just how lucky I am to have the family I have. Other days are not so easy. The day a mom of 7 comes in to my workplace and is clearly pregnant with number 8. The day a mom of 3 is struggling to maintain peace and wishes aloud that she didn't have kids. (of course she doesn't mean it, and of course it doesn't need to hurt my feelings) The day my sister, the mother of 5, calls to complain about being overwhelmed. These are all a regular occurrence, for me and for them. None of which is meant to be a painful experience. Some days it isn't.

How would you get through those moments? I just smile and nod, give reassuring generic comments, and move on with my day. Sometimes I take a moment and go in the closest bathroom or hide in my car and cry. It all depends on the day (and the day of my cycle :) ) Why some women are blessed with multiple children and I was blessed with one will be a question in my mind forever. As I am finishing this up and listening to my baby wake up, I can only be excited for the day ahead of us and the adventures my little family will have. I am off for now, to live that adventure.

#infertility #fertility #onlychild #momtoone #emotionalstruggle #everydayisanadventure