I used to be a regular blogger. I loved being able to express myself to a community of friends, family, and occasionally strangers. As life would have it, I felt I was too busy to continue and deleted my blog. Business, and the invention of Instagram, made it hard to sit down and let my online community know what I was up to. I have recently felt a need to have a release and decided to start blogging again, if only for some sanity. My online diary, if you will.
I have been a wife for almost seven years now. We have been together for ten. That seems like a long time when I say it out loud, but it hasn't felt like long at all. We certainly have our ups and downs, but I have always felt like we make a good team, and continue to become stronger with each hurdle.
I have been a mom to a beautiful little boy for almost three years. It took us years of trying and heart break to get him here. I am probably considered a 'helicopter mom' and though I try daily to refrain from 'ruining' him with that mentality, it is hard to shake.
I always wanted to be a mom to two. Last year, all of 2015, we tried everything we could to make that dream come true. After more heart break and many expensive procedures, we found out we were pregnant right after Thanksgiving. In my gut I knew something was wrong. I was panicked, frantic, and just had a pit in my stomach. Seven ultrasounds later we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy.
My heart sank and my eyes watered. The worst part; during our last ultrasound they showed us a healthy heartbeating 8 week pregnancy. I will never get that heartbeat out of my head. I wasn't allowed to leave the Dr's office. I wasn't even given time to think, process, or take another breath before I was rushed to the OR and the tube was removed. The Dr wasn't sure how I was walking around considering how far along I was. When it was removed, he came to the waiting room and told my husband that we were probably the luckiest people in the hospital that day.
That is a funny choice of words in my mind. We had just lost the last opportunity to have a second child and he considered us lucky.
In hindsight, we were very lucky! I had been monitored for almost two weeks while we waited and prayed and hoped that all the signs were wrong, and we would have a healthy pregnancy ahead of us. Our Dr knew what was going on and stressed the importance of paying attention to my body and not hesitating to go to the emergency room should I feel even a twinge of pain. During our last ultrasound we were in an office that was on the hospital grounds and I was just steps away from the OR. We were able to go into an emergency situation in a calm and controlled manner and I came out alive and healthy and able to go home with my wonderful husband and my handsome son.
Not all with tubal pregnancies are that lucky. Some are such an emergency that they end up scarred from one end to the other and have to take weeks to recover. Some don't have the opportunity to recover at all. I went in the OR on a Thursday morning and I was back to work on Monday. My physical recovery was a breeze. My emotional recovery is still a work in progress.
Some days, I am completely fine with my situation and I realize just how lucky I am to have the family I have. Other days are not so easy. The day a mom of 7 comes in to my workplace and is clearly pregnant with number 8. The day a mom of 3 is struggling to maintain peace and wishes aloud that she didn't have kids. (of course she doesn't mean it, and of course it doesn't need to hurt my feelings) The day my sister, the mother of 5, calls to complain about being overwhelmed. These are all a regular occurrence, for me and for them. None of which is meant to be a painful experience. Some days it isn't.
How would you get through those moments? I just smile and nod, give reassuring generic comments, and move on with my day. Sometimes I take a moment and go in the closest bathroom or hide in my car and cry. It all depends on the day (and the day of my cycle :) ) Why some women are blessed with multiple children and I was blessed with one will be a question in my mind forever. As I am finishing this up and listening to my baby wake up, I can only be excited for the day ahead of us and the adventures my little family will have. I am off for now, to live that adventure.
#infertility #fertility #onlychild #momtoone #emotionalstruggle #everydayisanadventure
